


You're Awful, I Love You

by raven_of_hydecastle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Brainwashing, Captured Arthur, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Even Morgana is wierded out, Gwaine Being Gwaine, Kidnapped, Love Confessions, Love Potion/Spell, Merlin being an idiot, Multi, Non-Canon Relationship, They need to fix this NOW, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 21:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18507343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_of_hydecastle/pseuds/raven_of_hydecastle
Summary: Once again, Arthur, his knights, and Merlin have been captured by Morgana. The sorceress plans to poison Arthur's friends one by one, but her plan goes awry when she grabs the wrong potion. Instead of hemlock, Merlin drinks a powerful love potion, and there's nothing he won't do for his sweetheart Morgana.Well, almost.





	You're Awful, I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> So, basically, Morgana is Ysme from the Emperor's New Groove, and her potions have gotten a bit disorganized.

The problem with poisons, Morgana reflected, was labeling them. She’d been sure the vial had been full of hemlock, but Merlin wasn’t suffocating like she’d expected him too. Although… he was rather short on breath and very flushed.

She glanced down at the bottle again; the ink on it was smeared into a few black smudges. Great, so she’d grabbed the wrong vial. Well, that was hardly a problem, given that most of her potions were poison of _some kind_. All she had to do was figure out if it was lethal and stop Arthur and his knights in the nearby cell from yelling so loudly.

“You witch!” the hot one cried. She thought his name was Gwaine. “What have you done with him?”

“I thought the mad cackle gave it away,” she said drily, grabbing Merlin by the jaw to observe the potion’s effects. He was in some, half-conscious state as the elixir spread through him, but it wouldn’t be long before he was lucid again.

Arthur looked wretched, obviously thinking that Merlin was dying. Morgana thought it was odd that her prattish brother cared for his servant so much. Once (before being dosed with hemlock) she enjoyed watching them bicker like an old married couple. Now, watching her brother’s spirit break was much more satisfying.

Merlin groaned, looking blearily up. He’d been hung from the ceiling by his wrists and was stretched out like a beanpole. He locked eyes with Morgana as she smirked at him. He went bright red from ear to ear.

“Well, I see the potion is affecting you,” she sneered, ignoring Leon’s growl from the corner, “tell me, how does dying feel?”

Usually, when she threatened Merlin he glared at her with absolute loathing. The soft, infatuated grin he gave her instead was much more repulsive.

“What?” she said, instinctively stepping back.

“Sorry, you’re just so beautiful,” he sighed, blushing furiously.

Morgana and the knights stared at him for a moment in confusion… What?

“How did I never see it before?” Merlin continued, “you’re perfect. Morgana, I mean it. Will you marry me?”

“Um… mate?” Gwaine called tentatively. “You okay?”

“The way you torture people who displease you, that sneer you get whenever something goes right, and that one time you abandoned me in the serket nest, just makes my heart sing!” he babbled.

Morgana stared at her most hated enemy, for once at a loss for words... then she grabbed the vial off the table and stared at it with dawning horror.

“A love potion!?” she hissed, chucking it into the corner, near the knights.

She turned back to Merlin, who was listing her latest assassination attempts on Arthur in order of elegance.

“I can’t believe it,” she grumbled, pulled her sleeves out of the way. “I _never_ use love charms. Where did it even come from?”

It had probably been one of Agravaine’s; he was always trying to slip one into her tea. Morgana was starting to wonder why she even kept him around. Whatever, she wasn’t going to put up with this.

She put her hand to Merlin’s head and muttered a counterspell. His eyes widened, and he slumped back down. Now she could get some hemlock out and--

“Oh, and the mandrake root was very clever!” Merlin blurted, suddenly awake again. Morgana jumped back, heart beating a hundred miles an hour. “I’m sorry I stopped it from killing Uther. Can I make it up to you?”

Morgana was going to tell him just where he could shove his apologies when she had a better idea.

“Of course,” she purred, smiling evilly, “I’d be so happy if you did.”

Merlin beamed at her, his smile as bright as the sun. “Excellent! What do you want me to do?”

“Oh, there’s quite a bit,” she said, picking her nails, “my house is a mess, there are herbs to gather… and a few poisons I need to feed Arthur and his knights.”

Merlin blinked, making a mental list of the chores. “Doing all that will make you happy?” he asked.

“Oh, yes, happier than a clam,” she said.

“Okay!”

Her brother gasped behind her, and Morgana smirked. This was going to be good.

 

***

 

Merlin clapped his hands, grinning happily as the manacles were removed. Morgana hung them back on the wall and raised an eyebrow at the stunned knights. Arthur’s face was a sickly, pale gray.

“Now Merlin, remember what I told you?” she said sweetly.

“Of course sweetheart,” he replied, clasping her hand tenderly. Morgana resisted the urge to yank it away. “I just need to make them beg for their lives and then wish they were dead.”

“And I can trust you with this?” she smiled.

“Of course, I’d do anything to make you happy,” he beamed.

“Great,” Morgana yawned, suddenly tired. “Then get to work. I’ll rejoin you when the first one breaks.”

“Okay, get some rest,” he said, gently leading her to the dungeon door, “I don’t want you to overstrain yourself. You’re skin and bones!”

Morgana nodded absently, trying not to smack him out of habit. The only times they got this close was when one of them had a knife.

“I’ll come and get you for dinner,” he was saying, “it’ll be just the two of us, maybe with candles. I hear candles are romantic...why are candles romantic again?”

Morgana shrugged, not paying attention. She locked eyes with Arthur, who was gripping the bars in horror at the sight of Merlin flirting with her.

“Well, brother dearest,” Morgana sneered, “I suppose I’ll leave you with Merlin for now. Merlin dear, remember, the more they scream the happier I’ll be.”

He nodded. Morgana strode out of the cell and bolted it shut behind her. No sense it letting Merlin wander the halls. _She’d_ get _him_ , not the other way around.

 

***

 

Arthur swallowed hard and Merlin spun to face him. He was grinning maniacally and didn’t seem bothered with the idea of torturing his king. Were love potions supposed to turn him into a psychopath?

“Merlin, my man,” Gwaine started, fidgeting nervously, “you’re not really under a spell, are you?”

“Nope,” Merlin said, and they started to relax. “My feelings are 100% genuine!”

There was a wall… should Arthur start banging his head on it?

“I don’t know why I never noticed it until now, but I’ve been in love with her for years!” he breathed, spinning around the room, “that must be why I tried to poison her that one time--jealousy is pretty fickle. But this is my chance to show her that I _do_ care! Think I’ll make a good brother-in-law Arthur?”

“Just kill me please,” he sighed, giving up on understanding this. Merlin was enchanted, and enchantments didn’t have to make sense. Scratch that, he didn’t _want_ this to make sense. He wanted it to end.

“Okay, you begged for your life, good. Now just say ‘I wish I’d never been born.’”

“Huh?”

“What, you honestly thought I’d torture you?” Merlin snorted, “Arthur, I’m disappointed.”

“Oh good,” Elyan began, “so you’re not totally under her contro--”

“Morgana would be way happier if _she_ got to do it!” he finished. “I’m not going to take her fun away.”

 _Of course, he would say that,_  Arthur rationalized, _it’s not like anything else he’s doing makes sense._

“So then, why did you make her leave?” Leon asked.

“Oh, you saw how exhausted the poor girl is,” Merlin simpered, “she really should take better care of herself. Well, I’m here now, so that’s that. She’s not going to lay a finger on you until she’s in good health!”

“That’s… good,” Leon said carefully.

“Thanks, Leon,” Merlin looked touched, “nobody ever agrees with me. Oh, but I need you all to beg for your lives too, okay? I don’t want to lie to Morgana about _anything_ … well, almost anything.”

“Sure…” the ginger-haired knight said, and promptly begged for his life in the most unthreatened voice Arthur had ever heard.

“Good job!” Merlin said, clapping his hands together excitedly. “Next!”

 

***

 

Morgana woke up and stretched her spine, listening to it crack with satisfaction. She hadn’t slept long--just an hour or two--but it had been enough. She was feeling much better. Now, to check on the prisoners.

She strolled down the hall in her abandoned fortress, imagining their haggard faces when she came inside. Now that she had that idiot Merlin locked up they couldn’t escape so easily…

The door to the dungeon was wide open. Morgana was sure she’d locked it, so how--

“Morgana~!”

Merlin tackled her from behind. She swore, preparing an attack, then realized (with dread) that he was just hugging her.

“You feeling better?” he asked sweetly, his breath tickling her face...

“No thanks to you,” she grumbled, plying him off her. “How did you get out?”

“Nothing can stop true love!”

Morgana remembered that this was the goofball that rescued Arthur from her dungeons just about every other week; he had to have _some_ skills, no matter what her brother thought.

“Whatever. Are they in pain?” she asked, nodding to the dungeon.

“In a manner of speaking,” Merlin replied, taking her by the arm and leading her down the hall, “I don’t think they understand us yet, but don’t worry, I’m sure Arthur will accept me into the family eventually.”

“Uh… right,” Morgana said slowly, letting him take her to the kitchens while she erased that comment from her memory. “I guess that’s torture enough to think about...where are we going?”

“Don’t you remember? Dinner!” He sang, “I got it whipped up while you were sleeping. It’s your favorite.”

They rounded the corner into the dining room. A few, small candles were lit and some soup was laid out. Morgana sat as far away from Merlin as possible--which was about half an inch from his side since he kept moving his chair closer--and wolfed it down.

He made small talk and commented on how wonderful she was. Oddly, all his compliments still sounded like insults. Whatever the potion did, it didn’t paint her as a saint. Merlin was very in love with what he considered “the blackest, vilest pond-scum the human race could spawn,” which set Morgana’s teeth on edge. Should she just kill him now and be done with it? It’d be so easy (not to mention satisfying), but Arthur had been _very_ disturbed earlier… maybe she could hold out until tomorrow and slit his throat in front of them.

“--I don’t even care what Gwaine says about you, you’ve stolen my heart!” the manservant said, seizing her hands and staring, enraptured, into her eyes.

“Uh…”

Merlin leaned in closer, probably for a kiss, and Morgana had enough.

“Swefan!” She shouted, shoving her hand in his face. Merlin’s eyes rolled back and he collapsed onto the floor, lost in some pleasant dream.

Morgana dusted herself off and stepped over him, not forgetting to land a good kick to his ribs as she left.

Yesterday she would it impossible to hate Merlin more than she already did, but this said otherwise. She pitied any girl who he actually fell for if this was how he acted. Romantic oaf; no wonder he was single.

 

***

 

There were perks to Merlin being enchanted that Arthur was just starting to appreciate. The creepy infatuation with Morgana was not one of them, but her disgust with the whole situation was comforting. If she had returned his affections… well, Arthur preferred fighting serkets to imagining _that_.

But the real bonus came with how much Merlin’s proclamations of love bugged his sister. Arthur and the knights had been her captives for two days, and she still hadn’t laid a finger on them. Merlin wasn’t kidding when he said she wasn’t allowed near them. Every time Morgana came with poison, knives, or a spell to try on them he turned up with a warm bowl of soup in his hands or a poem he’d just recited. It was uncanny.

“No, no Morgana, you can’t torture them _now_ ,” Merlin insisted for the thousandth time, “I know how much you’ve been looking forward to it--you _are_ the epitome of evil--but you’re too sick.”

“I’m the picture of health!” she snapped, wriggling out of his cuddly embrace like he was diseased, “Get out of my way.”

“NO!” Merlin said sternly, setting his jaw. Morgana blinked in surprise, “They’re obviously too weak to escape--” which was a complete lie since Merlin had been feeding them, “--so you’re going to march straight back to your room and get some rest, young lady. I’m not letting you ruin your health out of sheer stubbornness, understand?”

Gwaine bit back a laugh at the look on Morgana’s face. Apparently, she wasn’t used to being told now, and just because he was besotted with her didn’t make Merlin her puppet.

She growled, eyes beginning to glow, and Gwaine’s amusement faded.

“I’ve had enough with you!” she snapped, sending Merlin flying into the potion case. He slammed into it was a thud and slid to the floor, groaning as hundreds of little bottles scattered across the room.

Arthur held his breath, alarms clanging in his head. Every instinct clamored for him to protect Merlin, but there wasn’t anything he could do when he was chained up in a cell!

“Worried about your friend?” Morgana smirked, turning to him, “well, don’t bother. I’ll take care of you first, then Merlin and I can have some… fun.”

Her eyes narrowed sadistically at the thought.

“I’ll never let you,” Arthur growled.

“Ha! Big words from a man who can’t even move,” she chuckled, raising her right hand and beginning a chant.

Arthur felt the dark magic gather around her, the vile spell begin to form, and he tensed. Morgana laughed evilly, sensing that victory would finally be hers. Then there was a loud smack and Morgana collapsed. Merlin stood over her, holding a mortar and looking vaguely annoyed.

“Did you just knock her out?” Gwaine asked incredulously.

“Wouldn’t have had to if she just listened to me,” Merlin snorted, setting the heavy bowl down, “honestly, you’d think with insomnia like hers she’d learn to trust a physician. How is she going to get better--”

“When you’re knocking her over the head? Gee, I wonder,” Arthur said sarcastically. “Tell me Merlin, are you like this with all the women you fall in love with or has the potion made you _completely insane?!_ ”

“Ah man, this place is a mess,” Merlin sighed, ignoring him. “I’ll be back to clean up after Morgana is settled in, okay? Stay here.”

He grabbed Morgana by the ankles and dragged her from the room, whistling a love song as we went.

“You know,” Gwaine said after a couple of minutes, “Merlin’s pretty dedicated.”

“I don’t think that’s a good thing,” Leon muttered, looking at the splotch of blood n the mortar.

Arthur was inclined to agree.

 

***

 

Merlin was freaking out. Morgana’s dungeon was a mess!

“I’ll never get this down in time to prepare dinner!” he cried, looking at the wreckage. “She’s going to be so upset!”

Back in Camelot, Morgana had been a very tidy person. Her dungeon should be a reflection of who she was, not a jumble of spilled poisons and torture implements… And she probably wasn’t going to be pleased with him for knocking her out either. But that was for her own good, obviously.

He sighed and grabbed a washcloth, wiping nightshade off a bench. Then he grabbed a broom and started sweeping the glass into one pile. This was going to take forever.

Arthur and the knights were huddled into a corner of their cell, whispering secretively. They kept glancing at Merlin… he wasn’t an idiot, it was pretty obvious what they were doing.

“You’re planning to escape, aren’t you?” he said, without preamble, giving them his best glare. “Don’t try and hide it from me.”

“Um…” Percival said, shuffling awkwardly. He always was a bad liar.

“I don’t have time to babysit you today,” Merlin snapped, “between pandering to you and trying to get Morgana to appreciate me, I haven’t had a moment to myself. So just stay quiet and let me clean this up.”

“Actually,” Gwaine said, sauntering closer, “we were just talking about that. You really are a hard worker Merlin, and we’d hate for Morgana to be angry with you because of something like this.”

“Your point?” he asked.

“Want us to help you clean up?”

Merlin stared. “What?”

“Come on mate,” Gwaine grinned while the other knights looked at him in surprise, “‘course I want to help you out. I always thought you and Morgana would make a great couple.”

“ _Great couple_!?” Arthur spluttered.

“Really?” Merlin gasped, hardly believing his ears, “is that true?”

“One hundred percent,” Gwaine winked, “come on lover boy, you’re getting to her. She’ll return your feelings any day now. I’m the Great Gwaine; I know this stuff.”

“Oh, that makes me so happy!” Merlin squealed, spinning around the room. “I knew it, I knew it!”

He stepped on a broken vial and slipped. He rubbed his head, amazed nothing was injured. “Ow.”

“Here, let me help you with that,” Gwaine said, hands on the bars, “we’ll get this in tip-top shape, and then we can plan an extra special dinner for you and Morgana. Nothing like candles and flowers to get a heart racing, am I right?”

“Gwaine, you’re such a good friend!” Merlin said, forgetting that he was technically supposed to be torturing them. “I really could use some help...but don’t tell Morgana, okay? She wouldn’t understand.”

“Not a word,” Gwaine agreed as Merlin unlocked his cuffs.

He stepped out of the cell, rubbing his wrists. Merlin handed him a broom and rolled up his sleeves.

“Alright then, I suppose we should start with the glass. You start sweeping, and I’ll pick up the vials that are still intact.”

“Right,” Gwaine said, waiting until Merlin’s back was to him. “Sorry mate.”

He whacked Merlin upside the head and caught the scrawny manservant as he went down.

“Well, that’s one way to do it,” Elyan grimaced, looking at the lump forming on Merlin’s head.

“Sorry, I was kind of rushed. Shall we?”

“Oh, we shall,” Arthur said as Gwaine removed their cuffs. “Come on, we’ve got an idiot to cure.”

 

***

 

Morgana woke up with a groan. Her head was pounding, and there was something wrapped around her forehead… a bandage?

She sat up, trying to recall what happened. She’d been arguing with Merlin about the torture again, and then… and then he’d knocked her out.

 _He actually hurt me!? What kind of shoddy love potion lets him do that?_   She thought, outraged, _that sly, evil, disgusting snake. I outta--_ she collapsed back in bed, too weak to stand. In the distance, she could hear the knights of Camelot yell to one another for horses.

She fumed from under her blankets, wanting nothing more than to throttle the bumbling sneak with her bare hands.

 

***

 

It took several more blows to Merlin’s head to stop him from returning to Morgana. There was no reasoning with him, and Arthur could only hope the poor man didn’t have brain damage.

They got back to Camelot as fast as possible and rushed him into Gaius’s quarters. The physician gasped when he saw his ward.

“Good heavens, what happened to him?” he said, grimacing at the bruises on Merlin’s head, “did Morgana torture him again?”

“No, that was us,” Percival coughed.

Gaius whirled on the knight.

“No time, he might wake up,” Arthur said, jumping between them, “Gaius, Morgana fed him some kind of love potion and he won’t see sense. We need you to fix him.”

“Of course,” Gaius said immediately, “what potion was it?”

“I dunno,” Arthur replied, “your standard love elixir?”

“Arthur,” Gaius said, “There are thousands of variations on any given recipe. Without knowing which one she used, I won’t be able to do anything!”

“Then we’re doomed,” Arthur groaned, putting his head in his hands. Just great; they were stuck with a Merlin who was willing to bludgeon people over the head for the sake of love.

“Wait, sire,” Leon said, pulling something out of his boot, “I have it.”

“You what?”

“Morgana tossed the empty vial aside and I managed to pick it up. I figured we would need it for the antidote.”

“Leon, you’re a lifesaver!” Gwaine said, pulling the knight into a one-armed hug, “We’d all be dead without you.”

“Pretty much,” Leon replied, handing the vial to Gaius.

They waited impatiently while he studied the few drops left in the bottle, then consulted his books. Merlin groaned and Percival fingered his sword nervously.

“Don’t use that,” Gaius scowled, pulling some herbs out of his cupboard, “here, this will keep him asleep longer than a few lumps.”

“Just hurry, please,” Arthur said. He didn’t want to think about what would happen if the effects became permanent.

“Well, let’s see,” Gaius said, turning back to his books, “this one is the closest I can find to the original. It’s very powerful--more potent than the things that get slipped into your drinks anyway.”

“More potent than what!?” Arthur squawked.

“It seems that the first person the victim sees after they’ve drunk the potion becomes the object of their desire,” he continued. “That’s why it was Morgana. Hmm...the cure is rather complicated, but I believe I can manage it. It shouldn’t take long if you all keep quiet. I need to concentrate.”

“Got it,” Arthur said, shooting a glare at the knights. Percival put away his dice, looking slightly disappointed.

 

***

 

“Done!” Gaius said an hour later, triumphantly holding up the cure. There was only enough for one try, but it was a start.

The Knights rushed over to Merlin and lifted him up. The manservant groaned, eyes fluttering slightly. Arthur held him from behind, and the other hovered around him nervously. Gaius dripped the potion into his mouth, and they waited.

“Are you sure this will work?” Arthur muttered.

“I’m not sure,” Gaius said, “but it’ll do something.”

Merlin gasped, spasming as the magic bubbled inside him. Arthur sword his eyes flashed gold for a second--a side effect of the spell, no doubt--and then he collapsed into him, going limp.

“Merlin? Merlin!” Arthur panicked, shaking him a little.

“Hey, be gentle,” Gwaine said, shoving him away, “the poor guy’s been knocked out most of the day. You alright Merlin?”

Merlin groaned, cracking his eyes open to stare at Gwaine. He sat up groggily, rubbing his head.

“I think it worked,” Percival said, beginning to smile. Arthur began to relax.

“Oh Gwaine,” Merlin breathed, face flushed, “can you hold me tighter?”

“Like this?” the knight said automatically, squeezing Merlin around the shoulders.

“Yeah…” he replied, cuddling up to the knight, “and don’t you ever let go.”

Leon’s eyes were bugging out of his skull, and Elyan looked ready to faint.

Gwaine blinked, then grinned smugly. “Sure thing, sweetheart.”

Arthur rounded on Gaius.

“Fix this.”

“I’m sorry sire, it must have reset the spell--”

“I don’t care. Fix. This.”

“You really don’t have to,” Gwaine smirked, still cuddling with Merlin, “I don’t mind.”

“I DO!” Arthur snapped.

“I don’t see why,” Gwaine began running his hand through Merlin’s hair. “We’re just hugging.”

Percival choked on his laugh and Leon’s eyes twitched. Arthur ground his teeth.

“Like you’d stop with hugging!” he snapped.

“How dare you rightly assume that I’d take advantage of Merlin--”

“I’ll just get the cure started,” Gaius muttered, slowly inching away from the knights.

"let go of him--"

"Make me Princess!"

“No, don’t fight over me,” Merlin moaned, “my heart already belongs to Gwaine.”

“That’s it,” Elyan sighed, heading for the door, “I’m done.”

Percival nodded; that was fair. But he was going to watch a little longer, just to see how things turned out.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the kind of thing where I'll wake up and wonder what I just created.
> 
> -The title comes from the song "You're Awful, I Love You" by Ludo. It's a great listen if you like weird stuff.
> 
> The headcanon is that Merlin is eventually cured, but only after Gwaine smuggles him out of the castle for a picnic or two.


End file.
